Wednesday, September 24, 2008

E'bami ki'gbe Ole'

One day bush meat go catch d hunter
One day bush meat go catch d hunter
Catch d hunter, catch d hunter...... sound sultan

I got a distressing phone call from a friend, Noooo!!! He didn’t lose his job, phone or his girlfriend, rather he lost his car, as in his car was STOLEN from the CHURCH where had gone to worship GOD, but that’s not the issue, the koko is that 'Emy' has decided to quit the Catholic Church, their offence: They still cant xplain how the vehicle was moved from their parking lot *sigh* Your’s truly has spent the last 1hour begging him via the net to no avail, not that i blame him tho' i remember how he scratched n saved to buy d helicopter, oops! i meant car :-)
But make una wait o!! Why we no dey fear God sef?? Imagine' going to steal from the Church (despite the fact dat we thief 4rm our parents, husband/boyfi, wife/girlfi, office, government, market, school, friends, colleagues, passengers, customers) *hiss* Haba!! or isn’t the church supposed to be a sacred place?
This seems to be the latest trend cos’ two weeks ago, my colleague also lost her bag (containing every…) in one of the pentecostal Churches where she had followed her friend to worship, according to her, she only left her seat to give offering not knowing dat her bag was being eyed, dem search for the bag soteeeey……… neways i don tell her say, The person wey borrow her bag don buy gbese (wetin i go tell 'Emy'??)

But Ndi nkem, there’s a twist to this stealing in the church gist o’ Dangote was telling me on sunday, that after mass he had seen a N1000 note on the floor close to the exit and was also sure other parishioners had seen it too but were either scared/shy to pick it, Him too jejely walked pass the money; NOW could it mean that they are no thieves in that parish, or that they didn’t attend that mass?? (i don ask una 4 questions o)

On a lighter side, dis money for ground matter just remind me of those days we used to play pranks (nowadays Shi’dren na only ps2 and shakira dem sabi) *wide grin* so on this particular day, awon boys don arrange handkerchief with paper inside (una remember how our papa/mama dey keep money inside handkerchief then tie am so e no go lost?) ehen’ na so awon boys tie the hanky then keep am for middle of road, go hide for corner to see the oju-kokoro wey go pick am thinking say na money dey inside; After some mins, one Baba appear for street, when he got to where the hanky was lying, he use his leg to kick ‘it’ forward like football, we began to giggle anticipating his next move; Baba-wise continued to kick the 'hanky' at the same time looking behind him to see if anyone was watching, when he had gotten to the end of the street, na so all of us rush out from our hideout' begin pursue am dey shout’
Ole! Ole! Baba Ole!!! Baba Ole!!! omo as soon as Baba-wise see us, na so him pick up the hanky begin tear race...... laugh nearly bend me :-)

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Madness……i reject it

Ladies n gentlemen, bois n gals, mamas n papas, bloggers n non-bloggers, Una good morning o’ how una dey?? I hope no sme-sme ; yessssooooo as far as baba loke remains baba loke (no rival), norrin do all of us :) Amii o

The other day i saw a mad woman been chased by some officials of the Lagos state traffic management authority (lastma), mehn you need to see how the woman was zooming in n out of traffic; it’s miracle she wasn’t knocked down by a car *sigh* but madness no be beta thing o' or how can one live for years without knowing who or where he/she is.
The dictionary defines it as a relatively permanent disorder of the mind;

harsh but true, i know of a mad man (not spaco) that calls everybody ‘aunty’ he even calls introduces himself as “aunty”; as soon as he sees you, he walks up to you n says, "aunty, aunty wan chop o, i say aunty wan chop o", but when you give am money, na for chewing gum that money go end up (i kid not) no matter how much u give him and u dare not beg him o if u no want c madness in action:) He has been/still is like dat.

There's another one close to law school, he is always clad in a sweater and box (no -er to complete am) whenever there a lil traffic he goes to dos driving flashy cars to beg for money, him even get fine voice sef, u go just hear, 'Give me money' nothing like 'please o' ( wetin consign mad man wit abeg) i use to pity him cos he wasn't aggressive untill i caught him red handed smoking dat thing, mehn my luv for him flew out of the danfo bus one time' *loud hiss* nansense see pessin wey i been get plans for' shiorr
The women nko na another matter, apart 4rm the fact that they are molested n sum times impregnated (for rituals and other sadistic purposes), they also are exposed to all sorts dehumanization from the society, who believe they have been cursed for partaking in one evil or another; but i wonder how these women cope during dat time of the month, or dem no dey see dat thing????

Ndi nkem, i don think dis madness matter soteyyyyyyyyyyy' before i begin kolo make i ask una......

1. What causes madness ???
2. Is it all mad men dat smokes?? (all d ones wey i kno dey smoke)
3. Can it be cure as in totally
4. Is it hereditary (sum claim it is)
5. Is it possible for non-smoker to start smoking as soon as he becomes mad
6. Is being mad d same thing as one partially losing his/her memory
7. Who is responsible for taking care of dem (the govt/their families)
8. How true is the statement dat, all humans are entitled to 5mins madness daily

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

..... and he caressed me

I have been harassed 3 times..

The Ist time was when i was in j.s.s2 and had recently started sprouting dem breasts tho’ they were more like small oranges :) it was the era of bra tops and I had lots of colors to choose from (thanx to mumsy) On dat fateful afternoon i was on my way to see my classmate who hadn't come to school.The journey was rather un-eventful, till I felt a hand on my breast; it was the man sitting beside me; He slowly began touching me but i didn’t shout, cry...... nothing; the assault continued till we got to the last bus stop n he quickly got down n disappeared, as in when i got down, i couldn’t find him; the funny thing was dat nobody noticed n even if they did, no one say anything. I continued my journey to my friend’s place n didn’t tell her or any person wat happened (wat could they have done?) i didn’t know the perv's name or where he resides; i couldn’t even remember wat he looked like; But looking back on dat incident.. asides the fact dat i am a shy person, i stil cant explain why I didn’t scream my head off; maybe i was in shock or na jazz :)

The 2nd time: The culprit was sonny spaco (a mad man dat lived in my neighborhood) it wasn’t serious o’ before una begin hyper ventilate; he was only doing wat he knows how to do best….. which was to touch other people’s breast, but mehn no be small thing o’ i jst tank God say no be only me sha! It wasnt too long after the first incident, 3 of my friends (classmates) had followed me home; after gisting n entertaining dem wit con'des and rondo-rondo, we all left my house to visit another classmate, as we got to the bus stop, a man appeared in front of us, before we could shout 'whoiberat?!?!?!' He begin press our breast(s) pium! pium! pium! pium! like door bell, eyin temi' una need to see how we pick race, the next day at school i apologise tire b4 dem go say i set dem up :)

The 3rd time, It was during my 2nd year in school, i was on my way to visit my friend (toria) she resides in ikotun-egbe, she had given me the addy but 4got to tell me dat i have to take a bike (okada) to her house, na so i stop one okada, only for the driver inform me dat he carries two passengers, instead of me to double the price so he can take me alone, na so i tanda dey for wait the 2nd passenger, a man finally came n after haggling wit the driver, sat behind me. the driver had only driven for some mins, when the passenger behind me began to mumble and gyrate as in.....up & down, up & down' omo' i cldnt move, which kind winchy be dis?? i just began to pray dat toria's house wasnt far, i think d driver noticed the action, bcos he stopped driving n asked the man to get down, to come down nko? na anoda tori, the driver had to force him down. It was when we had gotten to toria's house dat d driver warned me neva to share a bike wit other passengers esp men *loud hiss* good samaritan, why him no tell me before shior! But after dat incident, i became very harsh as in, if anybody... weda man/woman/boy/girl conciously or otherwise touch my kini, i dey nearly kill d pessin wit bad eye *grins* the tactics had been working for me until....

Dat that friday evening, i had boarded a bus 4rm Ajah going to obalende though my destination was TBS, It was one of dos unusual days when there was no traffic, we had gotten the the civic centre when i felt a hand caressing my thigh, i screamed or rather shouted yeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaa!! (dis one pass ouch!! o) and raised my legs, my first thought was 'it's a dog or cat’ but how come??’ by dis time the driver had parked n everyone was starring at me, i looked behind n saw one bolo looking at me one kind, na so i give him am Gbosaiii'

'U no dey fear, u no dey fear, u touch me’ i stammered, standing up.

He held his face with one hand n pushed me wit d other,

‘Eh u push me’ as i my raised my umbrella to hit him, the condor held my hand

‘Leave me' i screamed 'i must wound dis goat 2day, shey u no dey fear’, i fumed

‘U nor fit do anything, i touch u?’ the bolo asked

So u still get mouth ehn, i go show u today, useless man’ i screamed

‘Sistah, e don do' abeg forgive am' some passengers began pleading;

‘Make una no beg me o' 'i mus deal wit am', i retorted, 'driver make we dey go'

The journey continued and i began strategizing, i didnt want the bolo to go scot free, i wld luv to hand him over to the police (at least he go chop beating) and i kno the police headquarter (zone 2) was close to the bus stop i was to alight, but if the bolo was going to obalende, how can i single handedly drag him out of the bus???? but my people, mathew 7:7 proved itsef o, cos bolo then informed the conductor that he was alighting at onikan (the same bus stop i was to alight) omo una need to see how i begin shine ma' teeth :)

We finally got to onikan, i alighted and began look for any uniformed officer around before the bolo runs away but as soon as he came down i heard

'Aunty sorry, abeg no vex na d.......' i walked off b4 he finished talking